Today my boyfriend told me he didn’t love me anymore.
He didn’t say it in so many words, but when I asked him to tell me he loved me, he couldn’t. He went on to explain how he pushes people away, and how he can’t change this behavior, and nothing I said could make him think differently. He’s already made up his mind.
I’d actually done pretty well today, as far as binging goes. I ate well throughout the day, and when I went over to my grandma’s I kept my grazing to a minimum. When I left, I did stop buy the gas station. I bought a zebra cake. And a fudge round. Epic fail. I can’t help it. They’re so cheap and tasty. I was actually going to save them. I even put them in a place that I would actually have to get out of bed and move things to get to them. But then I began the conversation with the boyfriend, and I wound up eating them. On the phone. Then when we got off the phone, I ate a bowl of cereal, followed by a ham and cheese roll up, followed by a pack of dried ramen noodles.
It always makes me feel like a failure.
I was doing so well, unfortunately it only lasted a few days. For a few days, I was keeping track of what I ate and much I exercised (a little). For a few days, I was feeling happy. I was applying for jobs. I was going to bed at a decent hour and waking up before noon. Somehow it all fell apart after just a few days. I say a few days because it honestly was not more than a week. Now, I’m back to being up all night (it’s 5am as I write this and I am yet to go to sleep, despite having to be up at 8:30), keeping my mind occupied with blogging, facebook games, DVDs, and books, and away from everything that’s bothering me. Like the fact that I’m still jobless, delinquent on my student loans, and, surprise, found out I have to have an HPV examination when I was 2/3 of the way through my guardasil shots. And in no way can I afford to pay for that. And then there’s the fact that I probably have HPV. And then there’s the fact that I got it from my boyfriend who no longer loves me.
So I eat more.
I don’t know what to do anymore. This is why I can’t sleep. I hop from worrying about getting a job, to not paying my bills, to my health issues, to my boyfriend who doesn’t love me, to my ex boyfriend who loves me who I left for a boyfriend who doesn’t love me.
Oh, and I quit my therapist. I did not like her in any way, shape, or form. And it’s rather obvious that my first run at anti-depressants is not working, and I can’t afford another doctor’s appointment to fix this problem until I get a job. Which I am about to give up on, because I have had several interviews to no avail.
No wonder I binge eat.
Now, what do I do?
I’ve done okay.For a long period of time. OK, just a few days, until today Until today when I ate 2/3 of a package of Milano cookies, a bunch of snack crackers and a kit-kat bar. All of this right after dinner. I’m not sure why but I did. I get obsessed. I get obsessed with food and if I have a little bit of money I go out and buy it. I can’t stop it, I can’t control it.
And afterwards, I come here and blog, too tired and lethargic to work at getting more readers. Or any readers.
I just want to be better. I just never want to feel like this again.
I’ve been doing better the past couple days. It helps that I have no food in the house and that I’m getting ready to move across the country, and that my temptation to drive to the gas station tonight was stopped by very foggy conditions.
Today I felt sick so I didn’t eat breakfast (common with binge eaters, not eating breakfast). I ate a normal lunch, but my fish was a little uncooked so I didn’t eat it all. My fault, I’m the one who cooked it. In the afternoon, I stopped by the gas station to pick up a diet coke (I am literally addicted, I tried functioning without it and failed), and of course I bought a candy bar. I do feel good though because I wanted to buy chips and other goodies, but I went with just the candy bar and the coke.
My main problem is that I don’t ever want to eat a real dinner. At least, I don’t want to cook it. So I ate some instant grits, some cereal (Only one bowl), raw cookie dough (I couldn’t help myself from making it the other day), a few cheese-its, and some nachos. I really think that’s all I ate! That’s very good for me. VERY GOOD. I ate small amounts of all these things – no whole bags, no three packs of grits.
I think one key to success is going to be hydration. I’m going to research methods to prevent binge eating and experiment about them (and write about them, of course).
Still not sure about therapy, the nature of my job means I move around a lot. I’ll be in the next place for six weeks, followed by a three – then four- month stint in two other places. If I don’t stay in one place long enough to experience successful therapy, I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to give up these experiences, but I don’t want to be sick anymore either.
Let me list for you what I’ve eaten since I got home at 4:30.
-1 kit kat big kat
-1 twix peanut butter
-1/2 small bag of cheetoes (crunchy)
-12, that’s right twelve Arby’s motzerella sticks. I ordered two orders, and two waters. This is how I hide.
-2 pop tarts – fudge sundae
-1-3 servings (not sure) of bar-b-que wavy lays
I also have a carmello bar in the freezer screaming my name, but i feel sick right now so it’s still in the freezer.
I also feel like shit.
I started this blog when I decided to seek help for Binge Eating Disorder, also known as Compulsive Eating Disorder. Compulsive Eating Disorder is the most common eating disorder in the United States. In my case, it is marked by frequent periods of binge eating (usually accompanied by boredom, sleeplessness, anxieity, or sadness). Once, when I was a junior in college, I actually counted all the calories I ate in one sitting. The total was 3,700. That was over the course of about 2 hours. I also ate regular meals that day.
I am keeping this blog anonymous for my personal and professional life to remain free of judgment. It’s also a common practice of compulsive overeaters to keep their habits a secret out of guilt and shame. I feel lots of that. Maybe someday I’ll choose to let the world know who I am, but for now, I won’t.
You can call me Fat Girl.
I’m 5’6, and I weigh 250 pounds. That puts me, according to the BMI scale, at 120 lbs overweight. When I began college six years ago, I weighed about 185. Not too bad. I was a size 14. I carry all my weight around my waist, and have only gone up to an 18 over the last 65 lbs.
My compulsive eating probably started when I was a kid. I used to sneak food into my bedroom from the kitchen. I’m sure my parents noticed. In high school I became addicted to fast food while working at a local fast food joint. In college, being independent and having a little cash to spend got me started on my binge eating sprees. I would eat two or three platefuls in the cafeteria.
Then I transferred schools and became incredibly depressed. This was when I really began to bottom out. I was 20 years old. At that time, I would make trips to the nearest gas station on a daily basis and buy a bunch of candy bars and Little Debbies, then go back to my dorm room and pig out. This was the time when I once at 3700 calories in one sitting.
Today, four years later, I still make this a habit on occasion, although now it probably happens every two weeks. I do, however, feel the need to eat constantly while at work, and I usually don’t stop eating from the time I get home at 4:30 until I fall asleep around 1am. Every 30 minutes to one hour I eat something. Sometimes a lot of something. Cereal, for example, rarely sees me eating just one bowl. I have to eat two or three bowls at once. Frozen pizza? Forget it. I’ll eat half of it at least, usually the whole darn thing. And I’m talking huge, seven-dollar pizzas, not the little one dollar ones.
This is how things are for me as I update this “about” page in January of 2011. But I made a decision tonight. I decided that I would seek help. I am moving back in with my parents after an internship, and I am planning on getting help in the form of therapy. I’m also hoping to get an official diagnosis.
While I can hope that weight loss will be a welcome result of my treatment, I can’t say that it’s my ultimate goal. My ultimate goal is to eat like a healthy person, and to be a healthy person. I hope in seeking this treatment I can achieve this goal.